Trying

My daughter asked that I play Polly Pocket with her before bed tonight.  I decided instead to watch 15 minutes of Grey’s Anatomy before I put her down.  Shame on me, I know.  One day I may live to regret this moment, at least that is what most of the articles I have been reading on proper motherhood have been saying lately.  I probably will, but I think that sometimes the expectations of being a good mom, are set a little high.  After all, I don’t think they take into account just how tired I am feeling right now.  Just last night I chose to sleep on the tile floor outside of my daughters bedroom.  Why? Because I wanted her to be heard when she said she was scared. I wanted her to feel supported, while still finding her own independence.  This is why I was tired and chose instead to take this much needed break, even when her cute face was asking for a little of my time.

I know that I am not perfect.  Sometimes I yell, sometimes I get after her when she looses a special necklace that I asked her three times not to touch, or when I trip and fall on a blanket left in the middle of the floor after I asked her to pick it up.  I do. I wish I didn’t. I wish I was not the yelling mom, or the one that was a “bully” as the newest articles are saying.  Every day I want to do better.  Every day I wish there was something that I did differently.  Sometimes when she says I am “texting on my computer too much”, or “cleaning too much”, I want to drop everything and focus on her.  I do. I wish she didn’t see me this way, but I also know that I am trying to be a mom full time from home, while still keeping a job.  Not as important as my child rearing, but still important.  I clean the house for her, and for my son, so when he crawls around with his belly dragging on the floor, it doesn’t come up black.  I pick up toys and have her help, so when she wants a certain one, the next day, it will be where we can find it.

I’m not perfect and I know I will have regrets.  I do every single day.  But every night as I go to bed, I forgive myself for my shortcomings.  I remember that I love my children more than anyone else ever will. I tell them everyday.  I show them everyday.  Maybe sometimes I yell.  Maybe sometimes I show disappointment and encourage behavior changes.  Sometimes I just don’t have the patience I should have and sometimes I am just plain grumpy.  I try not to be, but occasionally, this is the sacrifice for me worrying about their future and staying up at night, or not sleeping because one or the other was sick or scared, and sometimes it’s the lack of taking even 5 minutes of “me time” in a day.

I can’t remember the last uninterrupted shower that I took, or full nights sleep without a small hand, or dreams of shortcomings waking me.  I’m a tired mom! I’m not perfect.  I never will be, but I do cherish every breath.  I feel so blessed everyday and I just do the very best that I can in each moment to give my children the best life, the most love, and best mom they can have.

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